rejection is bliss, ignorance is almost

Soon I'll be leaving you, but you won't be leaving me.

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 22:51:48 GMT

I'm deleting everyone off this, because I obviousley don't use it anymore, since I got my new journal. distancekeeps = newone. Bye.

Could we make this work, not even for the fate of goodbye?

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 20:58:07 GMT

I finally gave in.
I got a new journal.
I tried to deal with my disatifaction of this journal; but that didn't work.
Like I've said couuntless of times...change is good.

It's almost the same name.
distancekeeps
I added about 15 of the people I had before; so sorry if I missed you.
Just add, and I'll add you back later.

So I guess this is goodbye.

01.

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 02:12:37 GMT

I don't know how to start this. I put 01. as the subject since this is my attempt at starting over, real subjects will start over tomarrow. Merry Christmas Eve, I'm so far out of the Christmas mood. I'm hoping once I start watching A Christmas Story, every thing will gentley fall into place & it'll feel like Christmas.

Christmas Eve has been nice so far. I slept till about 230; which was really nice. Jonas & Davis ended up stopping by. They like being all un-excpeted when they do that I learnt. They brought me a thing of bubbles & chalk for Christmas. I love both of them &they're sillyness so much. They stayed for an hour or so. I finally decided to get ready, so my mom & I went to town cause I needed more hairspary & face wash. I didn't know Walmart was closed, so Kmart was our last resort. Around 9 or 10 we're having A Christmas Story party at Sasha's so that should be fun.

I actually have absoulty nothing to sit here and complain about, I'm going to try to stop doing that for awhile, and just use my livejournal for writting/bragging about my borring non-exsisnt life. I know once I say that tomarrow or the next day I'll be complaning about being over emotional about something, or someone.

Merry Christmas.

End vs. Beginning.

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 17:49:53 GMT

This journal is filled with memory after memory after memory, and as much as I cherish each day for what it was worth, I almost don't think I'd miss 2004 if it could leave it & never come back. I wanted so bad to start over, run away from everything & get a new journal. For some odd reason livejournal won't let me, so I guess for another year I'm stuck with this. I guess it's for the better. I just feel like starting over fresh, starting over makes everything feel new again. I just wanted to feel that feeling. It's so close I can almost smell it. I guess the thought of starting the new year, the same old way, with the same old me, with the same old feelings scares me. I can't go on like this.

So with this entry, I'm starting over.

This is the beginning of a brand new end.

Inside jokes mean more to you than you do to me.

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 03:23:11 GMT

It's freezing. My toes are numb. I shopped all day. I'm tired. Hot Topic didn't have Pete's book. I fell asleep watching ND. Last night was fun. I saw someone. Now I miss someone. I have one of my three Christmas's tomarrow. I wish Christmas would hurry. I need to re-highlite my hair. Bye.

You might laugh but you'll never smile.

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:27:27 GMT

I'm so prone to sitting here, writting about my emotions, and how they're so screwed up over petty things, petty drama, boys, and anything else that managed to make me upset for the moment. So maybe I take it to the extreme sometimes, maybe not. Either way it dosen't matter in the end. All of this will mean nothing in the next year, but maybe not? I want to start the new year by starting over. I know that isn't possible, but I'm gonna try.

So lack of sleep causes you to say things you'll probably regret in the morning, but at least the truths out.

I have a crush on a pretty boy. Crushes are fun because I know in a few days it'll be gone. I only like him because he sings pretty.

You were there wishing I was here.

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 08:15:31 GMT

I made one final wish at 11:11 tonight.
I made the same exact wish last night.
I count on making wishes to get my through things.

My wish came true.

What good is one glove, without the other?

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 20:19:05 GMT

I'm starting to come in too reality with the fact sometimes pretending is better & more benifical than the complete truth. We need to be hurt; to learn how to get over being hurt.

I need the noises in my ears.

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 19:07:19 GMT

I was sitting there when this rush of emotion comes over. I'd never felt that way before, it was an acquiring, needing, caring, I miss you sort of feeling. At that very moment is when I knew I couldn't give up. I know I always complain, and stress over the fact I fall for it every single time. It's routine for me now. So last night I of course I fell into the trap once again. Waiting, watching, wanting. I didn't know wither to be angry with myself for contradicting my emotions, or to just be happy I know I'm not allowed to give up because they're is something. When I make my wish @ 11:11 I usually wish for something completely different, but each time the wish ends up coming back to the same thing. I have a problem with letting go of certain things, ideas, feelings. I'm beginning to run out of words to explain how I feel.

In other news. The show turned out to be alot of fun. Got over way early, like 1030 maybe? We didn't leave till 11 or so. I learnt I'm easily suckered into buying things. I learn't I can't stop thinking about the one thing I don't want to be thinking about. It's all lies. After the show we finally made our way to Sasha's. KellyB, his brother Nick (who I dated for the night), Adam, Ashley, Emo face Jeremey, Giraffe(Jefferson), Brittany, Christine, Aubrey, Terry, & Jessica came too. KellyB & my two second boyfriend started singing & playing his guitar and I fell in love with both of them for like 20 minutes. Everyone around us looked bored out of their mind, but us three were having fun singing. They left, we did nothingnothingnothing. Tried sleeping, didn't work. Emo & Giraffe left & got us food at like 4:00, & brought Jason back with them. I think we went to bed at 7:00. I got three hours of sleep. I feel sick.

Trust was gained.

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 05:10:35 GMT

So this was perfect. the people who hurt us are often just so irresistible that we keep going back. This made everything make sense again. I read that like I knew it all along. This can mean so much, all at the same time.

You hit me like a hurricane, I needed you more than ever before.

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 03:15:37 GMT

I reformatted my computer for the first time tonight, It's nice to start over. First set of finals tomarrow, I'm scared. I'm such a procrastinator and wait till the last mintue todo anything, than I start stressing out about it. I'm sick. Which is nothing new, I always get sick this time of year. When I was little I said I was allergic to "christmas break time" I was silly. All I've done tonight is download download download. Borring borring borring. Christmas show tomarrow night, It should be fun; as long as everything stays "drama free" which it probably won't, I sware half those kids have more drama than I've ever had. I make up most of my drama, thinking it's there when half the time it probably isnt. I'ts all an illusion; figment of my imagination. After the show like 7 of us are staying at Sasha's or something. We deicded to go out to eat at like 430 or 500 for breakfest. I bet we'll be too lazy though. Nice to know my composite for photography is due tomarrow and I haven't even started it. Technically I have till Tuesday, but it would be nice to get it done. I hate this. I should probably go study.

I'm dreaming of you, non-stop.

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 04:07:58 GMT

So this is a useless post. My internet explorer has some werid virus, so I can't do anything besides stupid aim/msn borringborring. I'm having xanga/livejournal/myspace withdrawls. At least this client thinger that I never use works. I don't know if its virus but It won't let me do anything, with out going to this stupid seekseek search thing. System restore won't work. So I'm convincing my mom to just buy me a new computer. This sucks. I have a secret though.

I see the way you talk about me, like I'm just another girl. Rebound.

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 00:34:11 GMT

I smiled today. Sure I smile all the time, but It was one of those smiles you want to keep forever because of how real it is. I could never share that kind of a smile with anyone else because they woudn't understand the meaning behind it; or how much it actually ment. I could never tell you I smiled because of you because than It woudn't mean the same. I guess I can call it, my secret smile. Secret smiles are the best. You're the best when you make me smile the "secret smile."

The moto was just a lie.

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 00:21:34 GMT

I complain to much. I guess it's human instinct though. Just like it was human instinct for me to be suprised the silly metal kid in my photography that loves slipknot was listening to green day.Judging people by outer apperence is so overrated.

Overrated : my new favorite word.

Well it's better than the first, so why does it hurt?

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 03:41:03 GMT

I lied when I said the wish I made at 11:11 today wasn't selfish. At first it didn't seem selfish, but the more I thought about it I concluded just my every day way of thinking is selfish, so maybe I should stop thinking. It's weird how in the morning I try to decide wither I'm going to have a good day or not, It's like I plan ahead how I'm going to feel all day. Most of the time I fail, but if I'm lucky it'll follow through. Today followed through. All day I had one thing on my mind. I could have gave in, I really could have. Self control usually comes when I don't want it. I figured staying away from everything that effects my emotions would be the best for now. ( I say "it" as if it's a thing, too bad it's a person.) Too bad I let stupid things effect my way of thinking for the day, week, too bad I could say a year in this situation. It's sad really. The word "sad" is so overrated. I'm beginning to think I'm overrated. My entries have become overrated with the on-going fact I repeat myself every entry, they're all focaused around the same thing. Or not. Maybe I just blame everything on everything else..maybe no matter how much I write and put my feelings into words instead of mumbled segments floating around in my head I'll never understand the real meaning to all this. Just maybe someday this will all make sense. Untill than....

It's better off this way.

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 02:44:22 GMT

Being replaced almost hurts more than rejection.

Come with your arms raised high.

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 02:40:58 GMT

I listened to the same song 6 times, all the way home; held in my tears and realized how pathetic I make myself appear.

No, it all takes time, let it come; don't force it.

Sun, 12 Dec 2004 08:27:45 GMT

I've been online since 1230, when I got home. The whole fact I have a curfew really bothers me. It seems that recently all the kid's we've been hanging out don't have curfews. Maybe we need friends our own age? Why are we always attracted to the ones that hurt us? Late night thinking always turns into this. Jumbled sentences thrown together with no concept or no meaning. I watched my favorite episode of Dawson's Creek last night, I fast forwarded through all the bad parts to get the parts that make me want to fall in love. The parts that actually mean something to me. I wish I talked using bigger words, words people actually had to think about before answering my question. I know this boy that I met this year I don't know him very well,& even though he has no many faults, the attraction I have for him is so strong, and I hate it when I'm around him because I can tell he senses it too. I'm almost thankful I never get to see him as much as I do. He's not one of those boys you think about before falling asleep, he is more one of those boys that you want to sit and cuddle with, than attempt to pull a one night stand with , an you know after it happens the emotional intimacy issue will come into play and you'll never talk to him again because it would be to unusual for both of you. So before you even get that far, you hold on to everything you have with him, and just fantasize about him from afar, because you know you could never do that to your emotions, even if you feel that way when your around him. Even though you're hardly ever around him, even though the feelings you have for him are nothing more than a cuteface. Sometimes I wish you knew who I was talking about. Sometimes I wish I knew who I was talking about. It's always someone new, but it's always the same four. Over & over & over. I know once I post this, I'll regret it, because that's what I do every post. It's being un-happy with myself, insecurity. I hate being confused, and I hate it when you're confused, but mostly because I wish it was me you were you confused about; but it could never be me. See there I go again, talking about a different one. Boys. One of these day's I know I'll grow up, sometimes I forget I'm only 16 years old, I feel like I've been 16 forever, it hasn't even been 5 months yet. One of these day's I'll learn how to let things go, and learn that everything just isn't about me. One of these day's I'll realize that these are my teenage years and I should spend more of them complaining and causing drama, I can never get these back. Ever. It took me two hours to write this, too many feelings at one time. Too much everything at one time. I do this thing where I alwaysalways have notepad opened up, and sometimes when I talk to certain people I write what I want to say to them on there first; than copy & paste it.

Hi, I'm a waste.

Sun, 12 Dec 2004 00:32:53 GMT

001. I miss somebody right now.
002. I watch more tv than I used to.
003. I love olives.
004. I love sleeping.
005. I own lots of books.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. I love to play video games.
008. I've tried marijuana.
009. I've watched porn movies.
010. I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. I believe honesty is the best policy.
013. I have acne free skin.
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton.
015. I curse frequently.
016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. I have a hobby.
018. I've been told I have a nice butt.
019. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
020. I'm smart. (when I try to be)
021. I've never broken anyone else's bones.
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
023. I love rain.
024. I'm paranoid at times.
025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
026. I need money right now.
027. I love sushi.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.
029. I have fresh breath in the morning.
030. I have semi-long hair.
031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
032. I have at least one brother and/or sister.
033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
034. I shave my legs. (when I?m not lazy)
035. I have a twin.
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
038. I like the way that I look.
039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
040. I know how to do cornrows.
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings.
043. I think prostitution should be legalized.
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
046. I have a hidden talent.
047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I think that I'm popular.
049 I am currently single
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex.
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
053. I love to shop.
054. I would rather shop than eat.
055. I would classify myself as ghetto.
056. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. I'm obsessed with my LJ!
058. I don't hate anyone.
059. I'm a pretty good dancer.
060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.??
061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a cell phone.
063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I've rejected someone before.
069. I currently have a crush on someone. (I guess?)
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future.
072. I have changed a diaper before.
073. I've had the cops called on me before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
076. I'm not allergic to anything deadly.
077. I have a lot to learn.
078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
080. I am very shy around the opposite sex.
081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. I have tried alcohol before.
084. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past. (if flirting counts)
085. I own the "SOUTH PARK" movie.
086. I have avoided assignments to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
088. I enjoy country music
089: I love my best friends
090. I have a bad habit
091. I watch soap operas whenever I can.
092. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
095. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
096. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
098. I have dated a close friend's ex.
099. I'm happy as of this moment.
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. Had a crush on somebody you have never met.
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument.
104. I strongly dislike math.
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now.
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love."
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest things ever.
110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "Lost".
111 I am resentful that i have to grow up.
112. I am an entirely different person around different people.
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
114. I think ramen is the best kind of food in the whole world.
115. I am suffering of a broken heart. (but I deal)
116. I am a nerd.
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.
118. I am left handed and proud of it.
119. I don't change who I am for someone else.
120. My heart resides below my feet.
121. I am a Senior in High School.
122. I enjoy smoothies.
123. I have gastritis.
124. I have nothing better to do with my time.
125. I am listening to Radiohead right now.
126. Most people call me by my middle name.
127. I once stole a music stand.
128. Pi confuses me.
129. I love NASCAR!
130. I own over 200 CDs.
131. I work 7 days a week.
132. I have had mono.
132. I dont have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind. (fact)
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.
134. I'm only wearing underwear.
135. I had more than one Thanksgiving dinner this year.
136. I've drove to a different state to see a band I like.
137. I am the most overanalytical person I know.
138. I believe in wasting time.
139. I don't listen to much music.
140. I have a shoe fetish.
141. My favorite holiday isn't Christmas.
142. I prefer weeks off of work instead of days here and there.
143. I love sex
144. I wanna go home
145. I don?t know what I would do without my friends.
146. Christmas threw up in my dorm room and I love it.
147. Friends is one of my favorite TV shows.
148. I'm hungry.
149. I'm watching the weather channel at the moment.
150. I Hate My Life
151. I Hate My Parents!!
152: Im realizing now that people are hypocritical and very fake.
153: I miss someone very much
154. I am a firm believer in the healing powers of music
155. WALMART ROCKS THE WORLD!
156. I like how really stupid surveys keep me busy
157. I like being home alone
158. It seems as if I just bolded alot of things.

It's all too much, but it's all the same.

Sat, 11 Dec 2004 22:48:08 GMT

I have a confession to make, but I'm so ashamed that I can't even tell it to the people I trust the most. Or the thing I trust the most.

One hour.

Rejection is bliss.

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 22:36:39 GMT

I promise I was doing fine...
than once I talked to you, it was all messed
up again. I'm starting to see a pa tt er n.

I just can't help myself.

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 00:35:20 GMT

Hi drama.
Bye drama.

So my mom let two random men in our house & they're vacuming/cleaning our carpet for free, I've never saw our carpet so clean in my life...sales men.

Youre over and out.

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 03:48:31 GMT

It's not even over, but I miss it already.
Bye bye Laguna Beach.|

OH HI SEASON TWO!

So take a breath and close your eyes.

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 01:37:53 GMT

Sometimes when I go back & read old entries, nothing comes from it but embarressment.
I wish I could start over.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, I skipped over denial.

Take your time, never wonder why. It's all your fault.

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 22:20:27 GMT

I appericate the fact I actually had a good day. So far I haven't cried once, or have even thought about it. Congrajulations, to myself. I saw someone today. As much as I pretended not to care that I saw this person, I was so happy. I just confused myself. Mr. What's His Face (the cop at our school) yelled at me today, because I honked my horn really loud. Than I got all red, and embarressed.

Tonight is all about studying for my Us History test, Laguna Beach, Laundry, and I think that's all.